Starting over new... again and again

" The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance. The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you choose." -Arnold Bennett

Time and time again, we all face periods in life where starting over is necessary, whether that be starting over from a major life change, such as moving to a new place, or ending a longterm relationship, or something smaller like starting a new sport, taking a trip to a place you've never been, or going on a first date. It all begins with taking a step, and that first terrifying step is the most important thing we can ever do. Something as simple as opening the door to a new gym and walking in, saying goodbye, saying hello, stepping into an airport, choosing to do something different, saying yes to an opportunity, all of these things lead to monumental changes inside of us. That step builds character, creates personality, develops a uniqueness that helps make us human. When we decide to leave comfortability or even if we are forced out of comfortability, that is the moment in which we become closer to defining who we are. The best part of it, we get to choose, we have the power to decide whether or not we want to take that step.

"Persist, Pivot, or Concede. It's up to us, our choice every time ," - Matthew McConaughey, Green lights.

Unfortunately finding the right steps to take aren't always straight forward and we may need to be forced into it. Most of my adult life, I have had trouble making good decisions, many of my choices got me into bad situations which I acquired unhealthy amounts of trauma from, and developed low self esteem. I was stubborn and never wanted to see therapists because I thought seeing a professional would label me as broken, defective and unable to live a normal life. I scorned the idea of getting help, thought I could process everything on my own, and that inevitably led to my downfall, well that along with a condition I never knew I had, PMDD. If I had chosen to address the issues sooner on, things wouldn't have turned out the way they did but unfortunately thats not what happened. It took a cataclysmic event in my life to alter how I perceived myself and how I wanted my life to be, it was the wake up, slap in the face, kick in the gut, that I never knew I needed until it happened. I found myself isolated, sitting up in a hospital bed, staring at a wall asking myself " WHAT IN THE FUCK AM I DOING, how on earth did I let myself get to THIS POSITION" I had never been more angry and embarrassed at myself and my actions, and I knew that was the moment things NEEDED to change. I needed to make a change, and I decided to take that step, that step towards the door, out of the hospital, into cold showers, into new gyms, towards new people, that step towards a new life and a new version of myself. Thats the beauty about life though, you're never subjected to that person you used to be, just as you can easily develop into a bad version of yourself, you can always grow and learn and develop into a better version. Life is always changing, you are always changing, nothing in the world stays the same, we grow older, our bodies change, our ideals and perspectives change with everything we do and with everything we encounter, thats what makes being human so beautiful. The ability to change. The ability to start over... again and again.

In the past two years I had made plenty of first steps, I started Jiu-Jitsu, Archery, got dive certifications, traveled out of the country, I ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Bungee jumped off a bridge in South Africa, went skydiving, fed sharks, cage dived with Great Whites. I did most of those things by myself, but I also did a great deal of them with someone holding my hand pushing me forward. I got reliant on that person and that reliance combined with my low self esteem made me feel like I needed that person to move forward in my life, I Needed that support and NEEDED that person to always be there other wise I didn't believe I was capable, even if all of the evidence pointed to us not being a good match, I believed that without that person I wouldn't be anything. I was so wrong. Nobody on this earth has the capability to make or break you, that is determined by the individual, even in a relationship where two people decide to come together and be a unit, they are still individually unique and preserving that individuality is a necessity other wise both become lost. Since being on my own I have accomplished more than I thought I could, because I decided to take steps to being better. On my own I published a children's book, started a blog, and a podcast, I started Jiu-Jitsu in two new gyms with new people, and i'm about to get my divemaster certification and IDC while once again traveling to another country for a few months. All of these were scary when looking at it from the start, but so far things have been working out just fine, and it's reassuring seeing it play out, seeing all these things I was afraid of unfolding in front of my eyes, showing me that everything is okay. I hit rock bottom and its cliche to say but hitting rock bottom only means two things, you can either stay there or go up, and i'm moving my way up slowly and painfully, sometimes stalling but still climbing my way out of the hole I dug myself into. I know that it's not always going to be easy and there are going to be times were I slip and fall back down a little, but I will never stop fighting to make sure I NEVER end up back at the bottom. I might get close but never again will I sit in the mud.

-Dive. Lift. Jiu-Jitsu. Repeat