It's Okay

Why does pain come back and hang on to you at the most inconvenient of times. Particularly when you're in the middle of doing something challenging. All the doubt that you've ever had in yourself comes and rears it's ugly head and suddenly everything seems much harder. 

Everything could be going so well, you could be in the most beautiful of places surrounded by the most amazing people, but there it is, hanging over you like that cliche little dark cloud. 

How I feel 

Sitting at my favorite little breakfast spot and I am overwhelmed with the feelings of my past. Things I thought I was over, things I thought I processed and worked through. They're still sitting on me, suffocating me. Memories of the events of that night, the time spent in the hospital, the feeling of complete doom. All the emotions that came with how that day, week, month played out, all flooding back in. All at once. Is this normal? Does it mean I'm never going to get better? Tears flood my eyes. Trying to hold it together. 

An hour ago, a day ago, a week ago I felt like I was in a better spot mentally, felt like things were finally improving. And yet here I am once again feeling like less of a person. Overthinking my life, where I was a year ago, 6 months ago, two weeks ago, and now here at this very moment. Then there's all the thoughts of where I'll be in two weeks, in a month, in a year. All overwhelming, all consuming. A deep sense of extreme loneliness, sweeping isolation. 

Memento mori, remember you are mortal. 

What I do know,

I don't know where I'm heading yet, but I do know that if I continue to take it one day at a time, keep setting goals, accomplishing one small feat each day, things will continue to get better. They have been getting better. Slowly beating this damaged little mind of mine. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, slowly adding little flares of light back into my core. Things will always continue to get better. 

When you're battling with something invisible it's not always a straight shot. Not always an easy fix. you smile through the majority of it 

Laugh and make jokes, just to create the illusion that everything is okay. Even when it feels like there's an elephant sitting on your chest. Sometimes it feels like you're just barely keeping your ahead above water, your legs are starting to cramp, and you slowly start to take on water. Just when you feel like you can't possibly keep treading, you remember you can float, and that you actually enjoy floating. When you remember the little things you enjoy in life and add them all up together that battle becomes easier, but you have to give yourself the time and the grace to remember those things even at the most difficult of times. 

Stop and take a breath, "touch grass" slow things down. Let yourself feel the emotions that you're feeling, cry if you need to, let yourself feel everything and give yourself the time to feel it all. That pain will begin to lessen. And then look around and look at all the things, all the reasons you have to be thankful for. 

Things will get better. 

Dive. Lift. Jiu-jitsu. Repeat.